just got back from palawan...

...and i miss the damned place already. my goodness! four days of nothing but bliss. nakakabwisit na nandito na ulit ako sa maynila, walang magawa, di ko kasama ang mga kaibigan ko. boring sobra! at nakakairita ang polusyon hmph! hahaha...

i'll write about my palawan experiences soon...

Thanks!

Thanksgiving is today, the fourth Thursday of November. This whole American holiday is actually quite a mystery to me. I have no idea what exactly they are celebrating. Usually, there's one singular even being celebrated for each holiday. The liberation of a country on Independence Day, Jesus's birth on Christmas, the start of a new year on well, New Year's Day. But Thanksgiving... What exactly are they giving thanks for?!?!?! I think it had something to do with the pilgrims but I'm really fuzzy on the details.

As for me, I'm not celebrating this holiday. Us Filipinos never adopted this holiday and made it our own. But I am thankful for many things in my life. And here they are:

1. My family. Even though we are not the ideal family whose members are close to one another, we are quite a peaceful family. We seldom fight and we love each other very much even if we are not showy with our feelings. And now, my relationship with my parents have gone to a different level. I am now able to talk with my mom a lot even if it's just about financial matters or gossip. It's just so great to be able to talk with them like adults and not be treated like a child.
2. My friends. My goodness!!! I am blessed with so many friends and I am thankful SO MUCH for them. First, my HS friends. Even though we rarely see one another, I know that our friendships are strong. Second are my college friends. The bujert bunch, my real barkada, has been so great to me throught the years. They stood by me through thick and thin and I am eternally thankful to them for that. The other college friends are also quite good to me, kinda like my HS friends actually.
3. PRM. Yeah yeah, I could've lumped the PRM people with my friends but they are in a different category altogether. They are not only orgmates, not only friends, but they are family as well. I realize that not everyone knows the story of my life but suffice to say, these people saved me. I've been so lost, so depressed, so everything bad in our world and the PRM auxis are the ones who got me out of my slump.
4. Work. And Money. Hahaha... These two go hand in hand. Without work, I won't have money. I like my work a lot. Even though proxy season is quite a bitch, the off season is very lovely. I get to go to work wearing jeans, a shirt and sandals which I LOVE! There are also a lot of leisure time during off-season so I get to spend time with my co-workers hanging out in the mall or just in our pantry having a good time. And the salary is quite good too! I get to buy the things I want and the things I need. So great!
5. Our upcoming Palawan trip. I've been wanting to go on a vacation for the longest time now. A lot of people have asked me to go on trips with them, may it be Baguio or Boracay or Puerto Galera. But I haven't had the time to go! And this coming weekend, bakasyon enggrande to the max na!!! Four days of just being with the bujerts, soaking up the sand, discovering new places and meeting different people. Fun! Fun! Fun!
6. Etcetera. Ahahaha what an anticlimactic last entry. But there are so many little things in my life that I am thankful for that I won't list them anymore.

So there, five major things in my life that I am really thankful for! I really am so blessed with so many good things that sometimes I feel so guilty for those people who don't have these things. True, there are still certain areas in my life that is lacking. But how can I complain when I've got it so good, right?

Batang bata ka pa

Nakapagsulat na ako noon tungkol sa topic na ito: ang mga kabataan na nagfifeeling na matanda na. Pero noon, ang focus ng blog ko ay yung mga bata na kung umacting ay napakabigat ng problema nila, na para bang pasan na nila ang mundo sa paghihirap nila. Eh sa totoo naman ang babaw ng problema nila. Ngayon, ang magiging focus ko dito ay yung mga bata na acting matanda pagdating sa mga nalalaman nila sa mundo.

Gaya ng sinasabi sa kanta ng APO Hiking Society, "Batang-bata ka pa at marami ka pang kailangang malaman at intindihin sa mundo." Pero ang daming mga bata dyan na kung umasta ay nalalaman na nila ang lahat. Kung magsalita, akala mo ay kung ano na ang napagdaanan nila sa buhay. Nagbibigay pa ng advice minsan! O kaya naman ay nagpupumilit na sumali sa usapan ng matanda pero wala namang maicontribute na opinyon na may kwenta.

Meron akong mga kilalang ganyan. Kaya ko nga sinusulat ito eh kasi naiinis na ako sa kanila. Minsan kasi dapat ang isang tao, alamin nila kung ano ba ang lugar nila sa mundong ito. Kung bata ka, umacting bata ka. Alam ko na maraming bata dyan na nagmamadaling tumanda na di naman kelangan. Wag magsalita sa mga bagay na di mo nalalaman kung hindi ay mapapahiya ka lang. At wag ipilit ang sarili at ipilit sa ibang tao na "mature na kaya ako!" dahil sigurado akong hindi ka pa mature.

Pero dapat isipin din ng matatanda na matanda na sila, wag mag feeling bata. Pero at least naman kasi ang matatanda, kayang makihalu-bilo sa mga bata dahil alam nila kung paano. Napagdaanan din nila kasi ang pagiging bata. Yung mga bata talaga ang wag mag feeling matanda dahil hindi nila alam kung paano ba ang maging isang matanda, kung ano ang iniisip ng isang matanda, kung ano ang dinaranas ng matanda dahil sa hindi pa nila napagdadaanan ito!

Am I ranting and rambling? I definitely am. Naiinis lang talaga kasi ako kaya heto wala nang kwenta ang naisusulat ko. Pero di pa naman ako ganun katanda. For sure, may mga mas matatanda sa akin na naiinis sa akin dahil feeling din ako minsan. Basta ang sinasabi ko sa mga sinulat ko dito ay para sa mga mas SOBRANG bata pa.

Ang masasabi ko na lang bilang pagtatapos: bato bato sa langit ang tamaan wag magagalit!

Si Darna, si Barbella at ang Multong Bakla

Sa retreat namin, merong aktibidad na kung tinatawag ay joke time. Bale sa joke time merong mga skit ang mga auxis, para bang sketch comedy. At isa sa mga skit ay ang Saturday Fun Machine. Walang script sa skit na ito, kinakailangan lang ay may karakter ka at magkagulo na kayo sa stage! Noon, ayokong sumasali sa Saturday Fun Machine kasi wala naman akong naiisip na karakter na gampanan. Pero simula last year, kung kelan komportable na ako sa aking sarili, sumasali na ako sa skit na ito.

Ang pinaka-unang karakter kong ginampanan ay si Darna. May kapartner ako pag ganito. May babaeng papasok, sisigaw ng "Darna!" tapos bigla akong papasok habang nagsisigaw ng "Bruha ka! Bruha ka! Ako ang tunay na Darna!" Patok ito sa retreatants. Kahit ano namang bading na karakter ay patok sa kanila. At nakakatuwa na nae-enjoy nila ang aking acting kaya mas lalo akong nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob na palaging gawin ito.

Merong isang retreat, bigla akong nagsawa kay Darna. Wala na kasi sa ere ang palabas na ito kaya medyo laos na. Nag-isip ako kung ano ba ang pwede at nakita ko ang musical instrument na dala ang isa kong kasamahan na mukhang barbell. Napaisip tuloy ako, pwede ko kayang gamitin ito? Kinuha ko ang "barbell" at tinakpan ito gamit ang isang jacket. Pagtapak ko sa entablado para sabihin kung sino ako, tumahimik ang lahat kahit ang kapwa kong auxi. Walang nakakaalam kasi kung sino ba ako. Sabay biglang sigaw ng "Ako si Captain Barbella!" linabas ang maliit na barbell at nag acting bading na naman.

Nung nakaraang dalawang retreat, nag isip ulit ako ng bagong karakter. Malapit na ang Halloween kaya merong biglang pumasok na ideya sa utak ko. Papasok ako na merong nakatalukbong na kumot sa akin. Isisigaw ko ng pamacho "Ako ay isang multo!" tapos huhugutin ko ang kumot at sisigaw muli na "Ang multong bakla!" Syempre dapat bading ang role, yun ang masaya eh. Hindi na naman alam ng mga auxi at ng mga retreatant na ito ang karakter ko kaya naman natutuwa sila. At natutuwa ako na natutuwa sila.

Merong nagsabi sa akin pagkatapos ng isang joke time, "Grabe todo bigay na ah!" At sinabi ko na "Kapag joke time lang naman po." At totoo, kapag joke time lang naman ako nakakapag ganyan. Kahit na nakakasawa na paulit-ulit ang mga karakter na ginagampanan ko, sige go pa din! Palagi kong sinasamantala ang pagkakataong ito na mag bihis babae, mag make-up. Kasi ang liberating na kahit ilang segundo lang, iba akong tao. Hindi ako ang normal na Ben na nakikita ng lahat. Isa akong tunay na bakla! At nakakatuwa na sa ganyang sitwasyon, pwedeng magpakatotoo na walang takot na kukutyain ako. Oo tumatawa sila pero ang iniisip ko na lang: "They're laughing with me, not at me." Sana palagi na lang ganyan.

The End is Here

Last weekend was the last retreat for this year. The last retreat was actually kinda anticlimactic. You'd think that in the last retreat everything would be perfect, there'd be more tears shed during the Bedan hug, that there'd be more words said to each other, that there'd be a big after party... Instead, there were a few mistakes, only a few people cried during the Bedan hug, words were left unspoken, and a lot of people immediately went home after the Sunday activities.

But still, the last retreat was a pretty good one. A special task was assigned to me so I was pretty much MIA the entire Saturday but there were still plenty of opportunities to bond with the auxis. A lot of the mainstays were there. And a lot of aspis were also there for the first time so it was fun getting to know them. Joketime was a blast since it was Butch's first time to perform (and it's always fun to watch first timers!). Lots of chismisans and hiritans going on as well... But it still wasn't as memorable as I've expected it to be.

And now, the end is here. Last retreat for the year, maybe my last retreat as well since I don't know what my life is going to be like next year. There were many new faces this year but I am wary of their future since a lot of aspis who are active on their first year disappear in the next. I'm really hoping that I'll see them again. I'm also really hoping that I'd still be able to become active and I also hoping that the tanders will be back for another go 'round. Because right now, I think some of the tanders are thinking of disappearing and hindi maaari na ako lang ang matitirang matanda! Hahaha...

But the end really still isn't the end. There are still some activities to look forward to. There's the Christmas outreach/party sometime in December. A couple of parties maybe... And hopefully the usual bonding/inuman sessions. I just hope that I will be able to cope with the void in my life now that the retreat season is over.

Ubusan ng Pera

There's a retreat this weekend and since I am not part of the auxilist, I have to pay for the privilege of becoming an auxi. I'm going to Palawan next weekend and that's going to cost me a bundle of cash. I'm buying a new digicam since I need that camera for the retreat and for the Palawan trip. I bought four t-shirts from Threadless and that's gonna be in dollars and the shipping costs are pretty big since it's from the USA to the Philippines. Not to mention the upcoming Christmas season and the associated gift-giving. Waahhh!

Ang dami kong mga unnecessary na gastos this month. Pero ginusto ko naman ang mga gastos na ito. I wanted to go on a vacation since summer pa and ngayon lang nagkaroon ng chance na magbakasyon kaming mga friends ko so go talaga ako dito. Yung sa retreat naman, ito na ang pinaka-last for the year and kasama ang mga people na gusto kong makasama (with some notable exceptions: hay naman kuya deneb, rose, jedgar ) so go din talaga ako dito. The digicam is a little more unnecessary than the others. Pero nawala ko kasi yung una kong digicam and my mom is looking for it na so I need a replacement, pronto! Thank goodness for 0%, 12-month installment plans! Yung sa Threadless ang sobrang unnecessary pero ang cute sobra ng mga shirts nila and they are on sale! Nung late October eh bibili na dapat ako dun kasi sale din back then. Pero nung oorder na ako eh biglang natapos ang sale! So if you think about it, parang delayed purchase lang ito hehehe. I just hope I'll get the shirts in time for Christmas...

And speaking of Christmas, hindi na talaga ako magrregalo! I guess sa family na lang talaga ako magbibigay. May sure na akong gastos dun, yun 1K para sa gift namin ng ate ko kay mama. I still don't know what I'm going to give to my dad, alak na lang siguro. Sa ate ko siguro eh lotion na lang. As for my kid brother, wag na! Hahaha... For friends and orgmates, sana magkaroon na lang ng kris kringle. At least kapag ganun, wala nang pressure na bigyan ang lahat, yung nabunot mo lang hehehe.

Hay ubusan talaga ng pera for this month and the next. Thank goodness for the 13th month pay! And the christmas basket. And the sick leave reimbursement. Hehehe... At least yung mga extra na pera na yan ang magccover ng mga gastos ko. Hopefully by January next year, makapagsimula na ulit akong mag ipon. I haven't saved a single cent since June!

some more ramblings

Woke up today at around 11:30 in the morning but it was so dark outside that I thought it was afternoon already. Went downstairs to eat lunch. I gorged on crispy pata as I was having my braces adjusted in the afternoon. I am expecting the whole adjustment thing to be painful on my teeth so I won't be eating crispy fried animal skin anytime soon.

The trip to the dentist was relatively uneventful. I went with KC since she was also having her braces adjusted. The two of us were very sleepy since we were both at the inuman/pinoy henyo/charades session the night before. I had the color of the rubber thingies on my braces changed. I wanted a lighter color since the ones I used to have were dark blue. For my upper teeth, I chose a lighter shade of blie. And for my lower teeth, I chose to get pink because I wanted something girly but I didn't want it to be too obvious so I had it placed on my rarely seen lower teeth.

Right now, I am at a Netopia internet shop in SM Southmall. I was scoping out digital cameras earlier and I wanted to see reviews of them on the internet so I stopped here for a while. The reviews for the digicams I'm interested in aren't that good. But since I have a very tight budget, I guess I have to settle for bleeh cameras. Gaahhh, too many expenses, too little money.

I just need to send out a disclaimer regarding the previous blog entry, ramblings of a drunk. Obviously, I wrote the whole damned thing while i was under the influence of alcohol. Some parts of it are true and some parts aren't. One untrue part is with regard my annoyance on the teasing thing. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. I have no right to be annoyed since I tease a lot of other people all the time. And my annoyance last night was more about my moodiness rather than being actually annoyed with the teasing. So it's fine, go tease! There really isn't anything to be concerned about, I shouldn't be affected. So I'm not.

Gaah, I wish I can find a decent camera. And I hope my mom won't give me shit regarding my pink braces...

ramblings of a drunk

i'm writing this post in my sister's laptop. her laptop is a bit weird (stupid cheap thing) and i'm not used to the cramped keyboard so i apologize if things appear weirder than usual. i'm trying my best to edit all the oddities that crop up but i am drunk so i'm sure the editing process will not be that succesful.

ayways, everything is fucked up today. sure, the day seemed to be the perfect day that it should have been. november is actually shaping up to be the best month of the year ever. it's the month of my birthday. it's the month of our barkada's grand out-of-town event. 13th month pay is supposed to be given out. cine europa and cinemanila is finally happening. and the last retreat this year is about to take place. yeah a lot of things are happening, suitably filling up my calendar for the month. problem is, al lot of these events are happening on the same dates so i'm having a hard time schedulig them all.

this scheduling mishap seemed to coalesce this day, november 11, 2005. yeah yeah, it's already the 12th but i am awake since yesterday so it stil counts as the 11th. i've gone to a prm meeting, went to shangri-la to watch a couple of cine europa films, bitched about my life and my friends' lives, talked about our upcoming trip, and got drunk at a friend's house. sure, everything seemed perfect what with everythig that's happening. but as i said, it's a big scheduling mishap. i sacrificed a lot of things just to be able to do all of these in the same day.

aside from the scheduling nightmare, another part of my life is getting fucked up. one that's very different from the very shallow scheduling nightmare that i've been having. it's a friendship fuck up. you see, my friends have been teasing me and this other guy. i like this guy. a lot. but i like him in the purest platonic sense. nothing romantic going on... but they kept on teasing and teasing and teasing. before, i liked it whenever i was teased to another guy. kind of like being in on the joke. now, i feel like i'm becoming the joke itself, the laughingstock within my group of friends. "oh look! ben is friendly toward this guy! he must looooove him!" it's just so fucked up that it's not funny anymore.

another thing that is fucked up is my friendships. i've screwed over the different groups of friends that i have over and over again. it all goes back to the scheduling nightmare. i have one too many groups of friends. everyone wants to go out. so i have to choose which group i should go with. sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice. but what actually happens is lying, lying, lying. lie to one group so that i can be with another group. funny thing is that i used to be the guy who is content with few friends as long as the frinedships are deep and meaningul ones. now, i have tons of friends. but the friendships are not deep at all. the friendships are based on just a few drunk experiences and a couple of expletives. nthing meaningful at all.

blaahhh... i;m drunk. i don't even know what i;m writing about. free form babeeehhhh... nothng means anything anymore. nothing makes sense. except this aching desire of mine. a desre to drnk some more alcoholic beverages hoping that i'll black out so i can forget.

funny thing is, i'm actually happy this month. it's just that everything is so fucked up.