Quote...

Life is not the number of breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

-Ralph's status :p

Make Your Own Kind of Music

Nobody can tell ya;
There's only one song worth singin'.
They may try and sell ya,
'cause it hangs them up
to see somone like you.

But you've gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sing along.

You're gonna be nowhere
the loneliest kind of lonely.
It may be rough goin',
just to do your thing's
the hardest thing to do.

But you've gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sings along.

So if you cannot take my hand,
and if you must be goin',
I will understand.

You gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sings along.

Swimming!

Nagtext kagabi yung isa kong orgmate, nag-aaya na magswimming daw kami sa Bene today. Ayoko sanang sumama kasi meron akong work. Pero naisip ko din, "Sige na nga! Minsan lang 'to..." So go go go na ako, pero balak ko eh sandali lang at papasok pa din ako sa office! Syempre di ako nagpaalam sa nanay ko na magsswimming ako kasi magagalit lang yun. So gumising na lang ako ng maaga kanina, sinabi sa nanay ko na hindi ako sa kanya sasabay sa kanya papuntang Makati, at dumerecho na ng Bene. Nung una parang tinamad akong lumangoy kasi ang init. But the moment my skin felt the cool water, shet enjoy naaaa! Ang sarap pang kasama nung mga orgmates ko. Kaunti lang kami, walo lang yata lahat lahat. Pero ang saya pa din. Paikot ikot lang ng pool. Kinukulit yung mga dumating na aspi. Linulunod si Dane. "Minamanyak" ang mga babae. Hahaha... Sarap. Pero pagpatak ng 1:30, umahon na ako. Naligo na. Kinakailangan ko na kasing pumunta ng trabaho. Hindi ako nalungkot nung una na maaga pa lang eh iiwan ko na sila. Pero pagkarating ko dito sa trabaho, ayan medyo nalungkot na. Naaamoy ko pa din kasi ang chlorine. Nararamdaman ang agos ng tubig. Naaalala ang mga halakhak namin. Pero hindi dapat magregret. Dapat kasing maging responsable na. Kaya ayan nagtatrabaho ako ngayon (teka, nagbblog ka eh!!!). Nagpapaka-mature. Matanda na eh. At kelangan nang umasal nang nararapat.

On My Own

A friend of mine recently posted the lyrics to "On My Own" in her blog. When I first saw that she posted it I thought, "Damn! Sana naunahan ko siyang ipost yun." That song has lyrics that, like the previously deconstructed Angel, has parallels in my life. I have been listening to "On My Own" a lot in the past few years. When I first started listening to that song, I was deeply depressed and deeply in love.

On my own pretending he's beside me...

Oh yes, that particular line is very applicable to me. Pretending... That's what the whole song is about, pretending about a relationship. I always pretended that that guy I loved before is beside me. That we're together. That he loves me.

Pretending... Imagination is so powerful. But as I have mentioned in a previous post, I seem to have lost the will to imagine. I think I am in love again but with a different man this time around. But unlike the previous romantic "experience" I had, I can't muster the strength to think or imagine being with this new guy. True, I sometimes think what it would be like to hold his hand or kiss him. But those thoughts are very temporary, they're not the full blown fantasies I used to have. I might be in love with him but it seems that the hope I used to have that whoever I'll love will love me back is gone.

Now that I've thought about it, I'm not at all disappointed that I didn't beat my friend to the punch with this song. Yes, I'm still loving on my own. But it's my choice now to love on my own. The title is still very apt, but the lyrics don't apply to me anymore.

Everyday I Struggle

I struggle to maintain this facade that I call normalcy

I struggle to not cry over every little sad thing

I struggle to stop falling prey to my addiction

I struggle to eat only a few to shed a lot of weight

I struggle to maintain peace of mind in the midst of chaos

I struggle to do a good job

I struggle to keep my mind off of friends that don't want to be friends with me

I struggle to not be mad at those who do not have faith in me

I struggle to be what I used to be

I struggle to accept the fact that other people are better than me

I struggle to learn the lessons life keeps on forcing me to learn

I struggle to separate the facts from the fantasies inside my head

I struggle to keep on loving those that won't love me the same way

I struggle to become a good person

I struggle to not criticize others as I am just like them

I struggle to keep my thoughts off of suicide

I struggle to remember the happy memories

I struggle to be someone who feels, who cares, who lives life the way it's meant to be lived

Everyday I struggle...

And I'll keep on struggling

Quote...

"I'm a shell.. There's nothing left to kill."

-Joseph Pitt, Angels in America

Alone...

You don't know how long i have wanted
to touch your lips and hold you tight
You don't know how long I have waited
and I was going to tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own
and my love for you is still unknown
Alone

Deconstructing Angel

Hehe... This week sobrang ang song lang na 'to ang nasa utak ko. I've been playing it all day long sa office. Pinadownload ko pa sa officemate ko ang parehong version ng Westlife at ni Sarah McLachlan (Strangely, Sarah Mclaughlin ang artist name nung sa nadownload niya pero parang tama naman. Yun pala tamang spelling ng apelyido ni Sarah McLachlan hahaha)... Anyways, bakit naman ito naging ultimate LSS ko for now? Well... Yung lyrics kasi niya, parang akma sa takbo ng buhay ko or ng pagiisip ko sa ngayon. So here it is, my deconstruction of the song, kung bakit angkop sa akin siya...

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay

Hmmm... Parang lately, ito na lang ang ginagawa ko. Waiting for a break to make my life okay. Waiting for a promotion. Waiting for someone to tell me "I love you." Just waiting for some sort of validation that would make me think that life is worth living and fighting for.

There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day

Hay... Ako yung tipo ng tao na madaling ma-down. Kaunting panlalait lang, kaunting criticism tungkol sa ginagawa ko, nadedepress na ako agad. 'Di na ako sinisipag na gawin ang aking best sa kung anumang ginagawa ko dahil iniisip ko na "Tutal naman eh kalait-lait ang work ko't you don't know how to show confidence in me, I won't try to do my best na lang." Pero syempre kaunting papuri, kaunting validation lang eh tuwa na ako. Is it not hard for people to show that they have faith in me kahit na it seems to be that I don't have faith in myself?

I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins

Ahhh... Beautiful release. A lot of people seem to be trying to find this sort of release that will distract them from their dreary lives. Kaya siguro usong-uso ang pag gimik, uminom, sex at kung ano pa man eh dahil sa nakakadistract ito sa mga bagay na nakakapagpa-down sa atin. And I have to say that I am guilty of this... Makalimutan lang ang lahat...

Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

So ano ngayon kung merong "release" ng mga bagay na pabigat sa ating looban... Well kung feeling natin (feeling ko) na wala na ang mga problemang iyon, kalmado na ako. And isn't that what we are trying to look for, peace of mind? Ako noon ko pa hinahanap yan... Di ko makita. Di ko ma-achieve. Peace of mind should be something that's easily attainable pero ang hirap para sa ating lahat...

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

Shet... Fly away from here. Sana ganun lang kadaling tumakas sa problema natin. Sa mga problema ko. Oo, ang dami kong problema sa buhay. I am one messed up kid, di mo ba alam yun? Siguro alam mo pero I'm trying hard to conceal the fact na problemado ako. If only there'd be someone who'll help me escape. Shet angel eh no? Meron nga talaga kayang ganun?

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back

Bleeehhh... The "straight" line. Hahaha... I know na yung straight na yan eh it doesn't pertain to the heterosexuality of an individual pero sa akin eh yun ang iniisip ko. I'm so fucking tired of straight acting. So fucking tired of being afraid of my fellow homosexuals. Kahapon lang, I was at this magazine stand na noon ko pa pinupuntahan pero never akong bumili doon. Gay kasi yung manager and I didn't want to be associated with him. Pero kahapon, gusto ko na talagang bumili at sinesales talk niya ako. And it was actually a fine experience. Akala ko eh tipong bakla-bonding to the max pero di naman pala. He's just like me... Pero unlike me, he's comfortable with his gayness.

And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack

Haha... Pinapacomplicate ko buhay ko by trying to straight-act but at the same time preaching to the world na "bading ako!" I talk the talk but I don't walk the walk. I say that I am gay pero kinakahiya ko din ang sexuality ko at the same time. Talagang twisted... Weird... Wala masyadong relate sa lyrics hahaha...

It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

Escape. What I really need... At talagang madaling maniwala sa "madness" ng buhay na 'to... Imbis na paniwalaan ko ang katotohanan, iniisip ko na lang ang kabaliwan ng utak ko. Hahaha... Kahit anong gawin ko, ang pagiging ilusyonado ko ay nangingibabaw pa din kahit anong mangyari.

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

May I really find some comfort in someone's arms... Kahit di boyfriend, okay lang. As long as I find the comfort, the peace of mind that I have been longing for nang matagal na panahon na, okay na siguro yun... Siguro di kayo naniniwala na lost ako, na I want to escape. But I do... 'Di ko lang mapakita na ganun ang nararamdaman ko lately dahil sa parang unemotional na ako. Cry a real drop of tear, 'di ko magawa. Parang ang fake. Numb... May I find some comfort here...

feeling... something

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

The Long Story of the Long-Back Hair

My hair has gone through a lot of incarnations this year. At the start of the year, my hair was in its normal, dorky, no-style hairstyle. Then I had it all shaved off last March during a bout of depression. Of course it started growing and I never had another haircut (well except for a little trim around May or June). A lot of my friends have been saying that my hair was too long already and that maybe I should have a hair cut. I reasoned to them that I was growing it long so that whoever's gonna cut and style my hair will have something to work on. I've been putting off a trip to the salon for a while but I finally gave in Thursday night and I had a haircut.

There I was wanting to get a fabulous haircut, maybe even have my hair colored a bit. I went to the Bench Fix Salon over at Glorietta 4. The gay stylist asked me what kind of haircut I wanted and I told him that I had no idea so he should feel free to style my hair. He told me that my previous hairstyle was old-fashioned and asked me where I used to have my hair cut. And when I told him at a barbershop he replied "Kaya pala ganyan buhok mo!" Throw in an insult why don't you?!?

And there the stylist was, snip snip snipping my hair away. I was actually quite pleased with what I was seeing. So when he finished up, I immediately paid and left. Then when I went to the bathroom and inspected my new hairstyle more closely, I realized that I have a mullet. Yes, a MULLET! Or as what my friend KC will call it, "lumolong-back na hair!" Boohoo... Well technically, it's still not yet a mullet but my hair is decidedly looking more 80s than usual. Waaahhhh!

Hair on Fire

I just had an almost disaster here at home. I was using my mother's blow dryer, experimenting with my hair. You see, I never had my hair at a considerable length ever. True, it's still quite short for hairstyling experiments but I'm excited! I have hair that I can blow dry! So there I was just blow drying away, feeling the heat coming from the device. Then I felt that the air coming out was becoming hotter than usual but I didn't mind it. But my scalp was feeling too much of the heat. Then I smelled something. It's not exactly the smell of something burning but it is the smell of something very hot. I looked at the blow dryer and an orange glow was emitting from the inside! I freaked out. I turned the blow dryer off. Unplugged it. Checked if my hair was on fire. Thank goodness it wasn't. Checked if my scalp was feeling a burning sting of any sort, there wasn't any. My hair still looks fine. My scalp feels fine. But I'm guessing the blow dryer isn't fine. I guess it's time to retire my mother's ancient blow dryer, buy a new one and avoid another mishap.

End

All good things must come to an end.

It's so weird when something that I am used to, something that is always there comes to an end. It happened before with ew.com. I read that site everyday, always checking the latest entertainment news and reading the great articles. Then one day, poof! The site became restricted to Entertainment Weekly magazine subscribers. I felt so lost when that happened. Something that takes up an hour of my life everyday is gone. And there was nothing to immediately fill in that vacuum.

Something like this happened to me again today. I visit a worldwide Big Brother site a lot, looking at pictures, reading what's happening with the different BBs around the world. Then the parent company, Endemol, decided to shut down the site. Mind you, this was an unofficial site so I should have expected that something like this might happen. But I never prepared for something like that to happen. And another vacuum in my life has occured.

It's strange how something as little as this that I have taken for granted can have an impact on me. I feel regret over the loss. And anger for the people who took away something that I loved. And this is just a website that has shutdown. What more if something more valuable has been taken away from me, has ended? Only God knows what would happen to me... I might feel happy, celebrating what was lost instead of mourning the loss itself. Or I might become a wreck. Or I might decide to become one with what I have lost and become part of the end as well.

Big Brother

I have found an article about Big Brother here. Now this article pertains to the Australian version of the show but there are some points in the article that are applicable to the Philippine version. Interesting read...