Flashback

I am currently reading ComingOutStories.com and I came across this nice story which had a particular line which I thought was the very same thing I went through a couple of years ago:

"At that point in my spiritual development, mostly due to depression I had gone from believing god loved me to thinking god had abandoned me and that all people who continued to believe in him were delusional."

Just remembering, reconnecting with the pain I felt before.

Reconnecting

I've said in my two previous posts that I have lost my enthusiasm for live and that I feel so lost. Maybe the reason why I am becoming like this is because I have been disconnected with the feelings that made me feel so alive. The pain and loneliness I felt when I realized I'm gay. The extreme joy I felt when I made new friends and discovered new things. The love that I felt for people who are special to me. All that is lost now.

I have come out of the closet. I've accepted my homosexuality. Heck, I'm over the whole suffering gay thing. But that just made me feel disconnected from my sexuality. Before, I felt a great desire to get to know other gay men and be their friends and become part of the gay community. I don't have that desire anymore.

I rejoined the PRM last year. I finally became friends with them. I rediscovered God in my life. I experienced things I've never done before. But now, there's nothing left for me to do. I have become friends with the people that I wanted to be friends with and they have helped me fill the gaping hole in my life that is my spirituality. There's nothing new to discover or experience or re-experience in my life.

I've fallen in love about 4 years ago. And I thought I'll never fall out of love with that guy. But I did. I fell out of love with one guy and fell right in with another. Now, I've fallen out of love again. But there's no one to replace those men. And I'm left with a gaping hole in my heart.

I am so disconnected with the things that made me feel alive. Yes, even the pain. The pain and the loneliness are what I miss the most as they have been a huge part of me for a long time. Love comes second. I never thought I'd stop loving. Happiness, that's a given. I want to reconnect with those emotions. But how does one reconnect with pain? How does one force love back into his heart? I've been asking too many questions lately. And unfortunately, I still have no answers.

Lost

I feel so lost. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with my life. I feel so envious of my friends who seem to have found meaning in their work, in their lives. They have jobs that require them to really think, to contribute, to have an impact. Me, I feel like I'm just a cog in our company's machine that can be easily replaced with fake parts.

The past few years, I've gone through many ambitions. I was a business management student at DLSU and back when we were doing our Practicum, I've envisioned myself running some business. Then when the call center industry became popular, I imagined myself becoming the best CSR there is. I imagined becoming a manager of a branch of McDonald's, my favorite fastfood chain ever, that I even applied for a management trainee position which I didn't get. I imagined becoming part of showbusiness, to apply for one of the Tadjock positions at Wazzup Wazzup. I imagined becoming a trainer at a call center or a teacher in a high school, molding minds into whatever they need to be.

Yes, I've gone through many ambitions that I'm suddenly left with no dreams right now. One of my biggest dreams before was to leave the Philippines, go to America, have a fresh start. Get a job that I will love. Be part of a community that will fully accept me. Find the love of my life. I don't have that dream anymore. I don't try to dream anymore.

I am lost. And I just pray that someone will find me.

Enthusiasm. Life. Gone.

Something has happened to me: I've lost the will to live. I'm not saying that I've become suicidal. I'm just saying that I lost the will to LIVE! Live life with a joy that makes me want to get out of my bed every morning to experience all the new things that await me. But I don't feel that way. Not anymore.

I've been thinking the past few weeks about what's wrong with me. I feel different. I am different. I used to watch movies a lot, read all the email newsletters that I have subscribed to and every single entertainment tidbit on the net, finish the tasks in my job ahead of schedule, be excited about the retreats I'm going to participate in, imagine (fantasize?) what it would be like to be in a relationship, be enthused about LIFE! Now I realized what's wrong with me: I lost enthusiasm.

Going through the motions, that is what I've been doing the past few weeks. Wake up, get dressed, go to work, eat, work a little bit, gossip, eat, go home, watch tv, sleep. Yep, that's pretty much my daily agenda. Not much variance going on there. Some would say it's normal, the routine of life. I say it's boring, the monotony of life.

The question now is, why did I let it come to this? Why do I, the person who had zest for everything, only get excited about my slowly growing hair nowadays?!? Why did I stop being? Why did I stop loving? Why did I stop living? I don't know. I don't care. I'm gone.

Wonderfalls

We're bobbing along in our barrel
Some of us tip right over the edge
But there's one thing really mystifying
Got me laughing, now it's got me crying
All my life I will be death defying
'Til I know

I wonder wonder why the wonderfalls
I wonder why the wonderfalls on me
I wonder wonder why the wonderfalls
With everything I touch and hear and see

We teeter along on our tightrope
Some of us trip and damage our heads
Popping pills is really stupefying
Gets you crawling when you could be flying
All my life I guess that I'll be dying
Just to know

I wonder wonder why the wonderfalls
I wonder why the wonderfalls on me
I wonder wonder why the wonderfalls
With everything I touch and hear and see

Don't you ever think about this life
And how strange it all can seem?
Only way to find the answers out
Is to wake up from its golden dream

But there's one thing really mystifying
It's got me laughing, now it's got me crying (ha-ha-ha-ha)
All my life I will be death defying
'Til I know, 'til I know, 'til I know (really really need to know!)

I wonder wonder why the wonderfalls
I wonder why the wonderfalls on me
I wonder wonder why the wonderfalls
With everything I touch and hear and see

I wonder wonder why the wonderfalls (I wonder why it falls)
I wonder why the wonderfalls on me (I wonder why it falls, I wonder why it falls, it falls on me)
I wonder wonder why the wonderfalls
With everything I touch and hear and see

See, I told you I was right about the wonder-wonder-wonder-wonder
Wonderful-ahh the wonderfalls
I've got to find out from where the wonderfalls

Numb

Parang feeling ko eh lately eh naging numb na ako. True, nagpapakita pa din ako ng saya at ng lungkot pero di ko sila nafifeel ng totoo. Parang wala nang emosyon sa loob ko.

Nagvvolunteer ako sa mga retreats na inoorganize ng org ko. Sumasama sa staff. Pero kahit na staffer ako, immersed pa din ako sa activities so parang nagreretreat na din ako. At syempre umiiyak ako kapag oras na ng nakakaiyak na activities sa retreat. Oo, umiiyak pa din ako hanggang ngayon pero parang corocodile tears na lang. Automatic na. Parang "ayan na ang nakakaiyak na song... lumuha ka!" Hindi sincere... Walang emosyon sa likod ng mga luha na yun.

Meron kaming isa pang activity kung saan iha-hug mo ang mga kapwa staffers mo't pwede mong sabihin ang kahit na ano. Magpasalamat o magsorry o kung ano pa man. Ako, balak ko sanang magpasalamat sa isa kong kasamahan ko na sobrang bait sa akin. Na kahit madami na siyang nalaman tungkol sa akin na magiging rason para di na kami maging magkaibigan, andyan pa din siya and mas nagiging close pa ako sa kanya. Pero nung ayan na't ihahug ko na siya, di ko masabi. Dahil di ko nafifeel ang pagiging thankful.

Madami pang mga example. Di ko na sasabihin... Bakit kaya ganito ako ngayon. Wala na nga akong sigla na gawin ang mga gusto kong bagay tulad ng manood ng sine or magbasa ng news, wala na din akong sigla na maging tunay na tao. Emosyon kasi ang bumubuhay sa isang tao, ang nagdedefine ng personality niya. Ngayon, wala akong emosyon. At di ko na alam kung sino ba ako.