Reconnecting

I've said in my two previous posts that I have lost my enthusiasm for live and that I feel so lost. Maybe the reason why I am becoming like this is because I have been disconnected with the feelings that made me feel so alive. The pain and loneliness I felt when I realized I'm gay. The extreme joy I felt when I made new friends and discovered new things. The love that I felt for people who are special to me. All that is lost now.

I have come out of the closet. I've accepted my homosexuality. Heck, I'm over the whole suffering gay thing. But that just made me feel disconnected from my sexuality. Before, I felt a great desire to get to know other gay men and be their friends and become part of the gay community. I don't have that desire anymore.

I rejoined the PRM last year. I finally became friends with them. I rediscovered God in my life. I experienced things I've never done before. But now, there's nothing left for me to do. I have become friends with the people that I wanted to be friends with and they have helped me fill the gaping hole in my life that is my spirituality. There's nothing new to discover or experience or re-experience in my life.

I've fallen in love about 4 years ago. And I thought I'll never fall out of love with that guy. But I did. I fell out of love with one guy and fell right in with another. Now, I've fallen out of love again. But there's no one to replace those men. And I'm left with a gaping hole in my heart.

I am so disconnected with the things that made me feel alive. Yes, even the pain. The pain and the loneliness are what I miss the most as they have been a huge part of me for a long time. Love comes second. I never thought I'd stop loving. Happiness, that's a given. I want to reconnect with those emotions. But how does one reconnect with pain? How does one force love back into his heart? I've been asking too many questions lately. And unfortunately, I still have no answers.